i just don't know ...

i don't know what i want to do right know ... yeah ... cos i feel like a robot ... there is something inside of my heart told me that it seems doesn't right ... but it can clear enough to be see in certain ways... i just want to figure out who i am ... cos seems all of this time someone always tell me what should i do ... and time by pass now that feel disasterous in myself... that i can find real me anymore behind the girl that always smile ... behind the girl who hide her tears in her smile ... somehow ... that girl how always being hofnest is lying underground cover with a dirt ... it's feel like that girl had banish in my life ... i feel empty inside ... when i was prying that felt like i found that girl and after that is disappear ...

there are so much push in my life that i can't handle with myself ... i felt like a bird in the cage ... i can only see the view from outside but never fly to the sky ,,,

I

There 4 years since i left high school. The first time went away from high school girl who have bullying all the time turn into a middle senior university student. i realize that i had so much experience that i never had before. That is made who i am today. 

but in the journey i felt there is something wrong with me. I felt that in the way to be mature person that i become fear about anything. i am afraid to trust people, to do something and believe in something. i don't know what i must to do and i felt like i was trapped in the hole and never climbing back. the fear that i felt burn my courage into the ashes. 

now, i am the edge of my glory. to the point that i can made people that i can achieve something. but then i was doing is crying all the night and playing all the night ... afraid to my failure. 

i felt that somehow when it's the point  that i am doing it right that i will fail. 

why i do think like that ?

i don't know what i suppose to do  ? 

my religion told me not to lost hope ...